Uhg...yet again(i use uhg so much these days i think i might be a zombie) my girlfriend wants to go to consuling now, that sort of throwed me off. She says it's so she can learn how to be better at taking care of Kristofer?!?! That confuses me...alot. I can understand her going to consuling about her parents, who where never ever there. I just don't think consuling can make a better parent, really i dont think she needs consuling for that. She's not a bad parent, me and her have both had anger issues. I think most of it is just from all the current stress in our life right now. I had some money issues, and i was paying all the bills myself. Yea that left me with nothing a day after i got payed. She has gotten a job now and that has helped alot. she only works some where around 15 hrs a week but at the moment i wouldnt want her to work any more than that. I need her to be at home so i can get my rest, since i work 45+ hours a week.

Hummm...im also worried about Rin, she is going through what must be some very serious stress right now. Her mom is coming back to the states from iraq tomorrow. She is possably(more than likely)moving to NC. And she failed her driving test today. The mother issue is the big one, She loves her mum to death. I just am unsure still on there relationship. They seem close but yet very distant in relationship, its complex. Its above my knowledge to say anything else on that matter really, plus its not my place anyways.

suprisingly enough this is a long journal entry for me so i end it here for the night.

I am so fucking tired I belive I might not have the energy to freaking sleep!!! Rawrg!!! Im also oh so very edgy right now, which doesn't mix well in my line of work. Iv also been worrying my fucking head off about everything(which reminds me I have to re-evaluate my finances). I have had almost no contact with any humans exept kristi for less than 30 minutes a day. I'm usualy a loner type person but here of late(maybe do to stress)I have felt a very strong need for socializing. I am also missing like everyone right now. I want to see Kaitlin really bad and hug her untill she passes out(for some reason she gives me that ''comfort" feel like a teddy bear). The biggest one though is my Dad, I miss him so very much right now. We don't even really have a close relationship or anything, but I just want to see him really badly. I even had a dream(make note I never ever have dreams) that he bought me a new truck just like the one I had before I wrecked. I was so happy that I ran up to him and hugged him and cried. I cried hugging him for the rest of the dream, but as I was I grew younger and younger untill I was about 8 yrs of age. Im not sure what this could mean yet. I do know that I feel very frail at the moment. I want comfort that everything in my life will be ok(even if the words are untrue, as long as there is meaning behind them). My girlfriend can't provide this for me even if she wanted to. She is a big part of my feeling of insecurity in life right now. I know in reality that my life is acually very secure, I just don't feel that away....

Well death sits on my shoulder anyways, so I suppose I would just continue my life like normal. Why fret over something such as death?.

So today has been pretty norm for me I suppose. Slept, ate, went to work, and all that daily crap. I'm so exited about my tax return, it's huge this year! First thing im going to do is buy a big ass TV (flat screen and HD of course)
Mwhahahaha my son fell asleep with a piece of toast in his mouth.
Its about 12am and I am so freakin bored, I need some music or something. I still have 9 more hrs till I get off of work....uhgh.
I wonder what's going on with rin, well I know the just but we haven't talked in almost a week. Usually we talk at least a little while on the days I work. Hummm... I guess she must have a lot going on right now. I beleave she is planning on some kind of road trip or something. Well I will try to post an update on this soon.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your journal and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

1. Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
MWhahahahahahahaha (while rolling on ground clutching sides)

2. Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?
yep, well good luck, i have to go take care of mine now.

3. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
umg...about a week ago

4. What is the last thing you spent money on?
Bills(whats new)


5.Do you think you gained or lost weight this past month?
gained, unoticable amout though

6. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?
puffy

7.The first person on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you have to say?
"do you really want me to break your legs?!LOL!no seriously?"

8. Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
Kristofer Nethaniel

9. Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?
Alysa Jade
10. What are you craving right now?
someone anyone to talk to

11. What was the last thing you cried about?
Flashbacks and reliving unhappy memories.

12. When you buy something and your change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cashier to keep it?
Depends on my mood.

13. What color is your tissue box?
Don't have tissue boxes, to much hassle.

14. Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
yes, and no (its never turned off to collect dust)
15. What is the last voicemail you received about?
sadly no voice mails in a long time :(

16. Have you ever blocked someone on facebook before?
never even been on facebook

17. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
Coming entirely to close to death....several times.

18. Do you wear a name tag at work?
I would quit first

19. What kind of car do you drive?
Candy apple red 2006 dodge stratus

20. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
bean barrito, im cheap like that

21. Have you ever had a garage sale?
nope, people that get into my personal belongings are asking me to put my katana in there gut!

22. What color is your iPod?
dont have one, dont want one

23. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
beer

24. Are you happy right now?
not really

25. Who came over last?
my sister

26. Do you drink beer?
yes I love it, as long as its dark beer none of that bud light crap

27. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
Ummmm......well i am adopted, so yea

28. What is your favorite key on your key chain?
The one that gets me back into my house.

29. What was the last movie you watched at home?
I dont watch TV anymore

30. What is in your pocket?
snuff, keys, insuline pen

31. Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?
school

32. Where do you hurt?
my nuckles, almost constantly 

33.Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear?
ummm....no

34. What's something fun you did today?
absolutely nothing

35. What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
none of them, if im at walmart then it means im having to spend money & i dont like spending money.

36. When is your birthday?
april 27 

37. Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
yea and I wish it wasnt 

38. How many states in the US have you been to?
north carolina, south carolina, lousanna, mississippi, nevada,new mexico, arizona,florida, new york, new joursey, and a couple others while on my way to the ones listed, so about 12 to 14.

39. What kind of milk do you drink?
whole milk, i have to for the calceum

40. What are you going to do after this?
go home and go to bed

41. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
kristi

42. what is something you need to go shopping for?
a new TV, a life if they sold 'em

43. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
Nope.

44. What kind of car do your parents drive?
mom= PT cruiser, dad=seabring

45. Are you rich?
used to be

46. Is someone in love with you?
Mmmmmm.

47. What color is your couch?
blue and white plaid

48. What famous person do you look like?
none

49. Does someone like you right now?
I think so, yes.

50. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?
im a guy, so i hope its a fail

51. Favorite pop-tart flavor?
to much sugar for me

52. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
yep, alot

53. What are your plans for the weekend?
work

54. Do you like the color green?
second favorite color

55. Who was the last person to send you a instant message?
kristi
56. Last restaurant you went to?
the run away train

57.How many hours did you sleep for last night?
About....idk

58.Do you swear at your parents?
i used to

59. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
It's possible, if they are I hope it's in a good way.

60. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
yea

62.What were you doing at midnight last night?
being bored

 I dont dream, I haven't had a dream since i was 12. So its been some where around 8 years since I can remember having a dream. I know that in reality every one dreams in "deep" sleep but I wake up and can never recall any dreams. I wish I could ' because i would like to start a dream journal. From the dream journal I would be able to intrept them and possably learn how to Lucid dream. Oh well for that. right now I would just settle for some sleep.

 Yea well exhaustion is about to over come me.

Lucky for me for me in the most hardest of times is when I seem to become the most artistic and on top of that I just got an idea for my next tattoo. Ugggg...I still have to finish the one on my ankle first. My tatoos take so friggin long to do though. I think it more meaningful though that I do them myself in the old traditional way instead of useing a gun. 

Im on day four now of almost no sleep. I think I have gotten somewhere around six hours of sleep, none of which was very solid good sleep. I'm now having to take care of my son when I get home from work in the mornings. He does seem to want to let me get any kind of sleep past a 10 minute nap here and there. I get about a 1 and a half hours to sleep when his mommy gets home from work before I have to go to my job.